[Not so] Monster-in-Laws

Growing up, I never had a hard time making friends. With a parent in the military, it was a necessary skill. As a kid, you don’t think of it as being a difficult task; you just sort of did it. As I got older, this task grew more difficult. As an adult, you now are picking friends based on common interests, similar values, or shared experiences. Tougher, but completely do-able. You are bound to find someone that fits the mold. The scariest friends I have ever had to make came much later.

They were my in-laws.

Back when I had been dating my husband for a few months, it came time to meet his family. I. Was. Terrified. Not only would I be meeting his mom, but also his dad and two of his three brothers. The task was daunting and I was a chicken. Would they like me? What if I don’t fit in? What if they think I’m weird? What if they don’t think my jokes are funny? Forget any melodrama-teeny-bopper “making friends” meltdown. THIS was way harder.

Our Wedding
April 2019

To say the least, I was lucky. They liked me. I fit like a piece of the puzzle. They didn’t think I was weird and they thought I was funny (WIN). All my worries and insecurities, although valid, were unfounded. I realize this is not always the case and I have been blessed marrying into their family. James Harper and Susanne Olsen in Helping and Healing Our Families shared insight on how to create and maintain a positive relationship with in-laws.

In the daughter/mother in-law relationship, to “disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for relational connection, they have high-quality relationships.” About once a month, I end up on the phone with my mother in-law sharing updates about married life. It is in these conversations that a true friendship has bloomed and thrives. It has been a great means to strengthen our relationship.

Family pictures with the Hansen Clan,
this past holiday season.

Prior to periodic phone calls with in-laws, my husband and I built our “martial fence;” another concept discussed by Harper and Olsen. “Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.” This has been key to maintaining happiness in our family of creation and in our families of origin. These discussions are attended solely by us. Together, we are the caretakers of the fence.

The last concept that clung to my heart, shared by Harper and Olsen, was a saying that hung in one of their homes. “Parents give their children two things: roots to grow and wings to fly.” I feel both my husband and I have been prepared by our own parents to live this principle. In times of difficulty in learning to be married this first year, we have relied on our roots to keep us grounded. We’ve been taught skills that help each of us and each other rise to new heights. It is through this preparatory grooming and sought after advisement that we can be successful in marriage.