The Wolves in Your Ever After

Many people grew up hearing fairy tales. They came with a wide variety of settings and characters. More often than not, these children’s stories always shared a moral or lesson to be learned. In teaching these lessons they were often very black and white; you could always tell who the “bad guy” was.

An often used “bad guy” in children’s stories was a wolf. We see this in “Little Red Riding Hood,” where she and her grandmother are devoured by the wolf. We also see this in “The Three Little Pigs,” were they each built different shelters to protect themselves from a hungry wolf. And lastly, we see it in “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” where a boy foolishly gives false alarm so, when real danger comes, again a wolf, no one heeds his true alarm.

We see this same setting in the Bible’s New Testament as well. In John chapter ten, we learn the story of the hireling and a shepherd.

A hireling, back in the day, was someone employed to undertake menial work. So, as assumed, they would not be incredibly invested in their work. They often did not have ownership in what they did.

In this biblical story, we learn that the hireling flees when the wolf comes to eat the sheep. He does this because he is looking out for himself and his own safety. Not his sheep? Not his problem! As the story goes, it tells us how Jesus Christ is our “Good Shepherd;” He will always take care of us, because we are His.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen once shared this story in relation to marriage. Elder Hafen stated, “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves.” I’d like to share what these “wolves” are and why they are detrimental to marriages today.

1.      Natural Adversity

Life is hard. Things will always happen to make life a “ten” on the difficulty scale. This could be deaths, illness, loss of a job, imposed separation, or unexpected financial crisis. In our culture today, we “call it quits” before we put more than an ounce of effort into overcoming difficulty. This mentality leads us to abandon ship far too quickly. Marriage, itself, is inherently hard. It’s a huge adjustment for two people and takes time. Even if you’ve already had 20 years “of time.” Cut yourself slack. Like cheese, I promise, it’ll get better with age.

Neal on his most recent TDY to Florida.
His serious face because he's there to get the
job done. (And he hated the humidity!) 

Growing up in the Army, I thought I was SET for a life in the Air Force with Neal. False. I was not “set.” Same military does not mean same branch. The Air Force has this “thing” called a TDY. It stands for “Temporary Duty Yonder.” Sounds kinda cool, right? Wrong, not cool. It pretty much means Neal could leave at the drop of a hat and be gone up to four months.

We have been married almost nine months and Neal has gone on three TDY’s. They are hard. The lack of notice combined with the lack of communication while he is away can be crushing. But I choose to be more resilient than that. How can he do his job if I’m falling apart at home? Our time apart is only temporary. (Heck, its in it's name!) Getting through hard things has to be a choice. And I choose for it to be a do-able one.

2.      Imperfections of One Another

They say your number one critic is yourself. This is true. However, your number two critic should not be your spouse! It is so easy to nit-pick every little thing that is “wrong.” No one is perfect; we can see this with a little self-reflection. You can be the reason your spouse (or really anyone) feels poorly about themselves. Likewise, you can also be the one that helps them feel positively about themselves. In a world full of people saying “Mahana, you ugly!” you can choose to be Johnny Lingo saying she’s beautiful. (I hope this is a common enough reference!) Strive to support one another. Celebrate the positive qualities and commit to help improve each other’s less-than-great ones.

The first time doing "our dance."
He would have rather had no reception!

Neal is the BIGGEST introvert in the world. not just one of them. In the beginning, I would be so frustrated with him. I wanted to talk with people and loved having them over. He was as happy as a clam to stay home and read.
He likes keeping to himself and hates small talk. Fun fact, he married the biggest extrovert. This was problematic to say the least. While there are many ways we compliment each other, this is one where it feels like we sometimes conflict.

As time has gone on, we have learned to do our own tango when it comes to balancing the “people-y-ness” of our activities. I could easily have nit-picked this to death and cried and raged and pouted. But being married was learning how to be his number one fan, and him, mine. Remembering we were there to be that for each other, it made learning our new dance a bit easier.

3.      Excessive Individualism

What a lonely place marriage would be if we didn’t rely on each other. One amazing blessing of marriage is having someone to watch your back. It’s human nature for us to surround ourselves with people who need and sustain us. Your spouse is there to do exactly that. Distrust and suspicion, when unwarranted, will create cracks and push wedges unnecessarily into your marriage. Your spouse is the love you chose. Always choose them. Because “us” can accomplish and overcome far more than “me.”

My favorite thing about cooking dinner
is not doing the dishes.

When my husband and I first got married, I struggled immensely with this! I had a career previous to this. (I worked in retail management and loved being a boss babe.) I made my own money and did my own finances. I bought my own car (I even named her! It’s Karmen, by the way.) I went where I wanted, when I wanted. And the hardest thing about all of it, I enjoyed it. Getting married changed the pace.

I was focusing on my degree now full-time. My husband went to work and now takes Karmen. I felt rudderless. I needed to be important. I wanted to feel independent, but all the things that made me feel that way were gone.

Hindsight, I see that I was in desperate need of a new perspective. I could still be “just Emma;” it just looked a little different. Double-hindsight, it was far better.

I learned to appreciate having a husband. Someone could be there when I locked myself out of the house! (He was.) Someone could be there to take care of me when I was sick! (He did.) Someone else could do dishes! (He does!) Being married is the best because I didn’t have to be alone. We could be alone, together.

Wolves for so long have been the antagonist in the fairytales we grew up reading. In the stories of our marriages, we hold the pen. Together, with your spouse, you can vanquish the wolves in your own ever after. Elder Hafen, closes his address with an empowering thought, “…when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings….” Your spouse, and your marriage, is worth protecting. We can actively choose how detrimental of a role the wolves can play. We can choose marriage. We can choose to safe guard it with all we have; it is worth protecting. It is a sheep among wolves. Will you be its shepherd?