Two Bidders, One Love

By nature, I am a very boisterous, effervescent person. I love making friends and having a good time. Since getting married, I have discovered an untapped passion for hosting parties and dinners! I love a good joke and will laugh to my heart’s content upon hearing it. Baby-anythings always inspire an elongated, “Aw” from me and sometimes even tears with sobbing words of “It’s so cute!”  When I love, I love deeply (and I will stick to ‘em like super glue). I am very much a dreamer in all aspects of life. I am constantly thinking up, sketching out, and writing down my ideas.

When he does find my jokes amusing,
this is the smiling chuckle.
(I AM funny and he knows it!)

My husband is very much an even-keeled, unflappable man. He has a small, tight-knit group of friends that changes at the pace of molasses in the middle of January. A vast majority of the time, he prefers a night at home with books or a good movie over a night on the town.  His laugh is more of a chuckle, unless the joke is particularly dry (his cup of tea) and then there are tears streaming down his face. (There is no in-between.) Few things get him giddier than books. He is not one for openly showcasing his emotions, but when he loves ya, there is no doubt in your mind. He is a realist in most all aspects. He loves “coloring in the lines” and finds joy in the predictability and normality of everyday life.  

It is safe to say my husband and I are two very different people. It’s hard to come together sometimes and get on the same page. Sometimes it feels like our dynamic has snags where we are not quite in-sync with each other. We remedy this with what Dr. Gottman, in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, calls “turning towards one another.”

Bids can come in ALL shapes and sizes.
Funny signs, offering to hold the basket,
or even tying shoes!

Dr. Gottman talks about how turning towards one another fills your emotional bank account. So, when hard times touch down, you can weather the adversity. We fill up these accounts through what he describes as “bids.” They can be big gestures or small acts, where we seek our spouses “attention, affection, humor, or support.” Just as Neal and I are different people, we also pose our bids very differently.

Many times, I will often pose my bids in a light-hearted, humorous way. I will find different ways to ask a kiss. One way Neal finds particularly funny is when I tell him I got hurt (on my mouth) and need him to kiss it. Other ways I bid is asking him to pick out a perfume for me to wear when we are headed out on a date. Although small, these gestures allow for invaluable opportunities to connect. For Valentine’s day, I got a new perfume. (It smells DIVINE!) This gift is made special and thoughtful because of my bids.

A "Neal" in his natural habitat, bidding for a mate.
Bid of choice: Dry Humor.
It seems to be working.

Neal is typically much more straightforward. He will ask to cuddle me on the couch or will grab my hand as we’re walking. His favorite way is to help with dishes. I hate doing dishes and he knows it! Every night, out of habit, he asks if I he can do them. He will do them regardless of my answer. But, in him asking, it allows me the opportunity to express my love and appreciation for him.

Even though we bid differently, we still have the same goal; to love each other the best we know how. Through this cultivation, we can do so much for our relationship. Dr. Gottman put it perfectly. “Turn[ing] toward [each other] is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life.” In a marriage, can you imagine anything better? Bidding allows for us to build, not only a marriage we need, but a marriage we want.