The Secret Behind A Marital Green Thumb

I love plants! I love looking at them. I love picking them out! I love admiring the variety of colors and textures. And MOST of all, I love taking care of them! Plants, however, are tricky. You need to know how to take care of them. If not the death of your plant is likely. I, unfortunately, have learned this multiple times over.
  • I have killed a plant from over-watering.
  • I have killed a plant from leaving it in the shade.
  • I have killed a plant from leaving it in the Arizona summer sun.
  • I have killed a plant from not understanding the directions on its tag.
  • I have killed plants from potting the wrong ones with each other.
  • I have killed a plant from it dropping off my tailgate right after buying it.
  • I have killed a plant when it flew out the window of my car. (I was going on a trip and was worried it would die while I was gone. Ironically, it died while I was there.)
  • I have killed a plant from leaving it in the car to go into IKEA “real quick.” (There is no such thing as a quick IKEA trip.)
  • I have killed a plant from leaving it where an automatic sprinkler drowned it. (I was always at work when that sprinklers went off. When I got home, I just thought some jerk was dumping buckets of water on my plant.)
  • I have killed a plant from leaving it at the chapel where I taught a lesson using it as a metaphor for growth. (The irony was not lost on me.)
  • I have left one behind on the window sill of a hotel room. Technically, I don’t know it’s dead, but…I clearly didn’t take care of it.

My beloved marble pothos!
Left: When it was just a lil' baby!
Right: Now it's honkin' huge, happily living on our
pantry shelf in our sunny kitchen.
I use to say “It’s only a waste of money if they die.” I no longer say this. THANKFULLY, for as long of a list this is, I have more success stories than I do failures! It was hard figuring out how to love my plants how they individually needed! Also, if you’re in the market for a plant, I highly recommend a pothos —very hardy and pretty.

Like my love for plants, I love my husband, only WAY more. And I thank the heavens, husbands don’t have to be planted. The relationship, however, does need to be nurtured. Dr. Gottman from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work wrote, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long lasting romance.” Our marital relationships aren’t plants, but you can bet your bottom dollar that they need things to grow too! Thankfully, Dr. Gottman has done the leg work for us and told us what they need.

Rewinding to a time my husband Neal and I were newly engaged, we started habits of “fondness and admiration” to strengthen our relationship. For each of us, these things looked different. Like plants, we have different needs.

In our relationship, I’m like a fern. Ferns are fussy. They like humidity. They do better in certain kinds of pots over others. They require a bit of extra attention, but they’re cute so you roll with it.
Work days were hard for me. I often worked long, varying hours. In a long-distance engagement, that could have been detrimental. My sweet fiancé asked what I needed. I told him I just needed some “happy thoughts.” And thus, “Happy Thoughts” for Emma was born. A few times a day, extra on days we couldn’t skype, I would get text messages with “happy thoughts” from my sweetheart. They would range from things Neal loved about me to motivating things in the future. Searching my inbox, I have a collection of over 800 of these types of messages.

Some of Neal's favorite cards!
Now for Neal. He, on the other hand, is much less fussy of a plant. He is very much like a snake plant, nicknamed “plant of steel.” You have to actively try to kill this plant. All they really need is dirt and they are as happy as a clam!

Neal loved being able to take care of me. He loves being needed—and he is! Neal didn’t get happy thoughts daily like I did. However, over time, he got his fondness and admiration cup filled. For different occasions (and sometimes for no reason) Neal would get little cards. These cards are special. Each of them has a different reason why I love him. It’s a collection that is ever growing. Because I’m always finding new ways I love him, I will always have new cards for him. He loves reading through them and always keeps them close.

Fondness and admiration; these are two simple elements, which, when used, can help cultivate a happy healthy marriage. Dr. Gottman, again, in his book stated, “…fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.” In a happy marriage, there is no room for contempt. Dr. Gottman continues, “People who are happily married like each other.” A no brainer, but something so often forgotten. Find things to be happy about in your marriage and it will fall into place. Find reasons to celebrate each other. Once you start, you’ll find it’s a habit you won’t want to stop—just like buying more plants.


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