We're Gonna Par-Tay!

Let’s pretend we’re planning a birthday party! (For the sake of this example, my husband is the person I’m planning it for). Together we decided where it’s going to be. We’ve narrowed down what weekend we think would be best. It’s a no-brainer that there will be good food there! And don’t forget a really good dessert!

The face you make when you realize
your birthday party is your
WORST NIGHTMARE.

The day of the party arrives and Neal shows up. In attendance is all of his extended family and everyone he works with. The room is decorated with rainbows and glitter confetti! (Yay!) In a land-locked state, seafood is the only thing on the menu. But don’t forget dessert! It’s jello fluff salad! Lastly, it’s a raging party that is planned to be ALL night!

Now, if Neal actually walked into a party like this, he’d probably strongly consider walking out. A party attuned to Neal’s taste would look very different. There would be a small group of Neal’s closest friends in attendance. There would be absolutely no glitter. (According to him, it gets everywhere, forever.) We would have pizza with all the different kinds of meats. For dessert, there would be a cheesecake, preferably, just for him. The party would wind down and be done by 8 PM so he could be in bed by 9 PM.

What a terrible party planner I would be if the rainbow, sparkle party was the one he got! It would beg the question if I even knew the person I was married to. We can all agree that it is important to know your spouse well to be able to throw a party they would actually enjoy. But what about in conflicts between the two of you?

Dr. Gottman talks about this idea in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In his book, he shares, “…the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues… is to communicate basic aspects of your partner's personality.” Even in conflict, it is vitally important to know who your spouse is. Not only that, but to accept them as well. Just like party planning, certain details are minutiae if you can’t get the core concept right, let alone ignore it.

"Choose your love,
love your choice."
-Thomas S. Monson-

In the early months of our marriage, I ran into a situation similar to this with Neal. Emergency Preparedness is important to each of us. An opportunity arose and together, we agreed on a goal to establish a food storage. It would cost a bit of money, but we agreed, it was a worthwhile investment. As a team, we were able to follow through and meet our goal. I was over the moon! “Look at us! We’re doing so well, working as a team! Go us!” From the outside Neal didn’t look as excited.

We argued back and forth why he wasn’t happy. Together, we designated a goal. Together, we planned for our goal. Together, we met our goal. What was I missing? Applying the principle taught by Dr. Gottman, I was forgetting about Neal, himself.

He needed to know his perspective and concerns were being accepted. His worry boiled down to our familial finances. We had a budget in place and obligations with our income. He was stressed and a smidge worried. And I wasn’t seeing that. Gottman goes on to say, “Acceptance is crucial. It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are.”

When we can understand, respect, and accept our spouse for who they are, we can be the best for them. A line, again from Dr. Gottman’s book, has left a resounding echo in my mind. “You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles.” We picked our spouses, quirks and all. Learning to love our partners in spite of their “flaws and foibles” is just part of your party checklist. (And, I promise, it’s easier if you check them “done” first!)